I was thinking about what I should write for this week, and thought I would do something different and just write. The majority of my posts are structured by lists and to be honest I am a little bored of it and think my blog is becoming a little ‘samey samey’ so I thought I would write something that people might relate to and use my life experience to share something that could help someone or perhaps open someone else’s eyes up to.
I have always been a little self conscious. I think because from a young age there has always been the ‘typical girl’ and that is something that I am no where near. I am very weird, out going and a lot of the time make a fool out of myself. Now thinking back, yes maybe I was embarrassing but I was only doing that to make people laugh or feel better and that isn’t a bad thing…
I am covered head to toes in freckles, ginger hair and I am extremely pale. Which until recently hasn’t really been considered as beautiful, especially in the eyes of children. So I was very different to most girls which is probably why I thought that. I felt like I could never do the ‘girly’ things that all my friends would do. For example, fake tan would look silly because I was so pale and I could never find a foundation that was light enough for me, plus my eyebrows were so light that you couldn’t see them and I think that they really do make a difference to your look.
So at school, I hung around with a huge group of girls, which by the way is never good for your confidence anyway. There was so much bitchiness. I found that in this group, I was never the girl that the boys fancied. I was always overlooked. My best friend (Whom I am still very close with her now) was the ones all the boys wanted and I was just her friend. I was funny and weird and boys just didn’t like that, I was made fun of and for some reason they just didn’t like me. I wasn’t nasty or bitchy or anything, I was just ignored and overlooked a lot, sometimes to the point where I wouldn’t even be invited to parties and stuff. I would feel so awkward at house parties because I knew the only reason why I was invited is because of my best friend which by the way isn’t a nice feeling.
Although this was something my teenage self hated. I felt so ugly, alone and jealous of all my other friends, it has made me into the person that I am today. Teenage boys are sheep and the only reason they didn’t like me is because I was different and they were all after a specific type.
Like I said, my teenage self would hate this but I am kind of thankful for it. I won’t lie, my self esteem isn’t up to scratch still but it made me realise a lot. I was able to see all my friend’s issues, mistakes and learnt from them, so when it came to my time I was more aware and able to make decisions much better.
As I get older I do feel sorry for my younger self, it was tough but I got through it and overcame it. So now I do feel like I am stronger and nicer person. I think in a way being the ‘uglier’ friend was never a bad thing. I wasn’t ugly. Back then I did think that but it meant that my personality grew even more because I didn’t care how I looked because no one ever noticed. I feel like I am smarter, funnier and have more about me now.
I have just sat here and rambled but I wanted to write this because I feel like sometimes it would be something someone would need to hear. Maybe you’re going through the same thing or it’s something you can relate to. But thinking back now, although it sucked then, it’s made me the person who I am today.
But it does get better and you will become a person that your 15 year old self is proud of.
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